Hi! I'm so happy that you found your way to my blog.
Wherever you may be on your path, I'm grateful to be able to share a part of our journey together.
That's why I'd like to tell you a bit more about myself and share what has brought me to where I am today.
Sometimes people want to know what it is that brought me to this specific ‘career path’. “Oh, where do I begin?” – I think to myself. My career unfolded out of my life journey, and in that sense, I could even say my career path began when I was born.
Since I was little, I was not feeling very comfortable with the people around me. I preferred to spend time by myself in nature. I felt so much more ease and expansion there, as if I finally had space to breathe. Being with people felt weird, but I loved sharing the incredible world of nature with beings and energies. I already had a tremendous awareness back then. When someone was not telling the truth, I would sense that. I was aware of the relationship of my parents, the dynamics between them, all the thoughts, feelings, emotions... I could jokingly say that my career started at that time already – as I was unconsciously harmonizing everyone in my surroundings through my great awareness.
I’d say I was an easygoing child, not going against anyone, being very connected to my truth and my wisdom. I was always very quiet and still. I enjoyed being by myself and playing with other dimensions. On this plane, my sensitivity was giving me a hard time as I sensed so much aggression in my family. The suppressed emotions of others were easily sticking to me, yet I was unconscious of my sensitivity and gifts. Being so empathic and aware, I was overly stressed since a very early age. Sometimes the intensity of my awareness was so painful, that I began biting my nails down to the flesh. Feeling the intensity and bleeding was less tormenting than the pain of all the awareness I had, but didn’t know how to deal with it. I didn’t consciously know what was going on and I couldn’t find words to speak it out.
When I was 4 years old we moved from France to Austria, and my mother started working as a caretaker for other children. Already then I was saying that that I would like to do that as well – be here for the kids.
So I did that. I chose to become a kindergarten teacher as my first career step. Kindergarten school brought me to learn a lot about psychology and pedagogy. At 14 I was reading all the psychology books I could get my hands on, staying up all night, highlighting passages and paragraphs. I was so driven and I thought I might get a degree in psychology. In a few years I inhaled all kinds of psychology books. And then suddenly I was done. As if I got what I needed, this phase was over for me.
Looking back now, I see I was looking for some sort of a release, an acknowledgment, a reminder of how I function. Though I was always looking from the point of view that I was wrong and others were right. By that time I put all my psychic capacities away. I was hiding them even from myself, which didn’t make life easier for me and my body. My awareness got even more intense. One moment I would be totally happy, fulfilled, feeling the calm and stillness of an oceanic expansion. And then I’d meet a friend or have a phone call… and out of nowhere I’d find myself uncontrollably crying and not being able to stop.
In my adolescence I started believing that there must have been something wrong with me. In my mid-teens I spent so many weekends lying in bed, crying. From the point of view of psychiatry you could see it as a normal case of depression. In hindsight, I see myself having such great capacities of perceiving energies and not knowing what to do with it. I was having these strong uncommon capacities of seeing and hearing things others didn’t, meeting people and perceiving their universe, how they function, having an awareness of the future and other lifetimes... But I was not acknowledging any of that. When you don’t acknowledge yourself and your potential, all of this energy starts going against you.
I even went to a psychiatrist with my mother. I was sitting in a therapy group and the people around me couldn’t respond to my questions. They prescribed me drugs so I was taking them and not feeling any motivation or aliveness… Luckily, there was a good healthy voice in me telling me that if we go on like that we’ll make it all worse, so I stopped with this.
At 16 I looked for another psychologist, who gave me a bit more space to speak out, and get more conscious about myself and see things more clearly. But they still were not really getting who I am. Nobody ever told me: “Hey, I see you and you actually have this amazing capacities. I see who you are and your great potential. There’s so much more to you...” I pretty soon stopped seeing this psychologist as well, because I realized these therapies changed nothing in my life.
When I turned 18, I packed my bags, moved out of my parents’ house and started living on my own. What was really funny is that until then I was in therapy all the time, feeling heavy, unwell. And as soon as I left my family structure, all of a sudden my mother started going to therapy and taking antidepressants, and my father, too. At the time I didn’t see the link. But I knew I was feeling better, alive, happy, and finally having more fun in my life…
I finished the kindergarten school and was not sure that was what I’d truly like to do. I was really drawn to make theatrical masks and prosthetics. At that time, the only possibility to learn this in Austria was through a hairdresser school. Throughout the course, I received so much feedback about my hands and my energy. People told me how they felt great and would relax and calm down when I worked on them… What I also learned from 14-hour workdays, was that a full-time job was not the healthiest option for me, as my body often got sick and I was very cranky… Now I understand that my sensitivity of other people and the willingness to harmonize everything around me had a lot to do with that. When I completed the course, I decided not to continue on that path, because getting a job in theater required a lot of connections.
I’ve spent one year working in a nursery when I was around 21 years old. It was in a private kindergarten, and I was the only trained caretaker. Most of the time it was very painful for me to see the parents, perceive their thoughts and emotions, see how they treated the kids, how they communicated with them and all the expectations they had of them. There is so much abuse in the families. I was always an outcast among my colleagues, as my points of view were so different from theirs. During my time at the nursery, I was able to help a few disturbed kids. My body and intuitive wisdom always knew what was required.
The first day of work I was shocked. A boy was brought in, and as soon as his parents left, he went straight under a table. He would not come out the whole day, until his mom came to pick him up. For me this seemed very strange, so I asked my colleagues about him. They said he was doing that since he arrived, about 6 months ago. I was in total disbelief! How could one of the grown-ups not have helped him? I started getting in contact with him and slowly building trust and space, until I could sit under the table with him. I would just start speaking, or sit next to him until he began to trust me more and felt better with me being around. I would not attempt to make him come out, I always went to him. In a very short time, he started coming out. In the beginning, he’d stay with me, and gradually he started walking around and socializing with other kids. He was amazing, a very creative kid. I always encouraged the kids to do whatever comes out of them naturally. When there was a performance to be rehearsed for a festivity, I’d give space to the kids to create what they would like. My co-workers would criticize me saying that was not how the things are done around there. It was a constant fight with the colleagues and a constant drain of handling parents and their unwillingness to change. So I chose to leave.
I’ve spent the next few years traveling a lot. I came back to France, where I was born, and spent more time with my French family. I’ve worked in different families around the world, taking care of their children. I have never met parents who were truly willing to have intimacy and truly engage with their kids. Nor did I meet parents who were really open to see and get to know the beingness of their child. Even when I worked for wealthy families, where both mother and father could stay at home, the mother would prefer to go shopping and the father would rather stay in the office and ‘work’, leaving me with the kids. What I experienced over and over again, were the parents trying to make something less out of the masterpiece their children truly were. Obeying and mimicking behavior was more appropriate and desired. Many parents were unhappy and miserable, and some even took pills or had drinking issues… Yet they were behaving the same and were trying to do the same stuff with their kids, which they experienced from their parents. I had a different perspective on children, allowing more of them being themselves and showing me how they think, what they know… I never had troubles with children.
I’ve spent a few years living in France for a few years, then in USA, Greece, and I came back to Austria when I was around 28 years old. I soon got pregnant with my own child from a very abusive and aggressive husband (very similar to my father, in fact). My mother kept telling me: “You don’t need to marry him”, to which I said: “If I survive this, I’ll have cleared something in me. I’m going to come out stronger.’ That was my point of view. But it nearly cost me my life.
I have always been the kind of person who didn’t have space for boredom in my life. Being alone is for me the most creative space. Whenever I’d start living in a way that got too automatic, habitual and so familiar that you’d almost fall asleep from unconsciousness, I’ve always created challenges for me. Now I do it consciously, but at the time it was rather unconscious. And so my marriage was a masterpiece and a great learning course.
I was feeling so frustrated and miserable and was crying a lot again. Now I see that it was not depression, but rather a way to deal with the aggression of my husband. I was at home with a child who was crying almost 24 hours a day. I was not connected with my body anymore and was very far away with my presence. Not really embodied. My soul was very far away. At that time I was again going to therapy to help me cope with the aggressiveness and abuse. And with what it was in me that I was choosing and allowing that, of course.
I knew already that my husband was cheating on me. But I really wanted to be there for my son and to live my life in a different way. I knew that something else was possible. And I knew that if something didn’t change in my mindset and what I allowed people to do with me, I couldn’t handle it much longer. I was harmonizing everything and taking on emotions of others. I was also taking care of my husband, who was traumatized by abusive alcoholic mother and aggressive stepfather. I was energetically healing him so he could go on with his life, and it was so unconscious. I would take everything in from all the people around me. All those thoughts, feelings and emotions would feel like mine, so I thought it was all me.
But a part in me kept asking questions. What I managed to keep throughout my entire life (regardless of all the schooling and educational measures I’ve experienced) was my strong will to explore how things work. I wanted to know more on how people and humanity work (myself included). The drive behind that was mainly to find myself and come back home to me. Sometimes, my reality was so strongly and significantly fixed onto what was appearing in my life. I’d start functioning automatically, having no will, and not knowing what I want. Though I would always be guided to my next steps by an energy, or a presence which was with me since I was born, which some may call guardian angels. And every time I came out of a life phase, I had so much more awareness, acknowledgment, and reconnection to my wisdom. Even though I wouldn’t wish even my worst enemy to live the first 20 years of my life (or my thirties), I can see now that this powerful guidance-beingness gives always as much as you can take. In other words, you get as many challenges as you are strong to handle. Even if you don’t see yourself being that strong, you are unconsciously creating to get exactly the power of what you truly are. There was a connecting thread through all my experiences, and an absolute guidance behind each choice.
One day a book fell into my hands. I don’t know how it came to me and I don’t even remember the title anymore. It was a book about setting intentions for your life, quite well known at the time. I committed to myself and started doing the exercises and practicing everything I read in it. From that moment on, my life started to slowly shift and change. Everything was getting lighter and easier. I was less in reaction, and new possibilities started showing up.
For example, I got invited to join a meditation circle every Friday. In that space and with the people there I felt at home. I attended the workshops that the meditation teacher organized until I started working as an assistant for him. I actually kept assisting in his workshops for the next 7 or 8 years, until I got so much awareness, that that space wasn’t anymore creating what I truly wanted to change. I was choosing to attend many workshops with Thomas Hübl and Paul Lowe at that time. My will to change my life and seeing that there could be a possibility to live a different life was so strong. And so was this drive for exploration, never giving up, and being stubborn with myself and the quality of my life. And I learned so many life lessons in this period.
... To be continued ...